You ever go to Chick-fil-A and think, damn, I would love an unscripted, family-friendly show loosely based around this chicken sandwich? You, and only you, are in luck. According to Deadline, the fast-food chicken chain is planning to launch its own streaming platform, with a slate of original programming. Guess everyone has to diversify in this economy!
Deadline reports that Chick-fil-A is considering scripted shows and animation, along with unscripted content, and already has plans for “a family-friendly game show” from the same production team behind NBC’s The Wall. And apparently it’s not even the company’s first foray into entertainment; in 2022 Chick-fil-A produced a series of animated shorts called Stories of Evergreen Hills, a series of vaguely Christmas-y stories about being kind and spreading joy.
But just what kind of television combines the ethos of family friendly entertainment and not-even-that-good food served with an overtly Christian, homophobic message? We probably know as well as Chick-fil-A, so here are some ideas.
- Eat Mor Chikin: A cooking show starring the famous Chick-fil-A cows, showing you all the amazing meals to be made with anything but beef. This will run for four episodes before the cows’ anti-red meat messaging and guerrilla activism tactics become too didactic for viewers.
- Chick-N-Strips: Imagine Naked Attraction meets The Newlywed Game, but far more uptight. Teams of romantic couples (no gays) must remove items of clothing for each question they get wrong about each other, but don’t worry, all PG-13 bits (so everything from your neck to your knees) are covered by the chain’s delicious Chick-n-Strips. The winner takes home a cash prize and any strips on their body, which will be good for at least three meals, probably.
- American Chicken Warriors: This is just parkour through the drive-thru window.
- Spicy Deluxe Love: A Hallmark-esque rom-com in which a “career girl” from the big city visits her hometown for Christmas, falls in love with a handsome country boy over a banana milkshake, and moves back to be a stay-at-home wife. Who needs ambition and your own income stream when you can’t even get a good Christian shake?
- Moo Patrol: Also starring the Chick-fil-A cows, as they roam the countryside arresting chickens with impunity to feed the chain’s expansion goals.
- Pickle Me This!: It’s like a game show where you throw the pickles on the sandwich at stuff, for prizes or something??
- Food Time Treasure: Not wanting to pay any more writers, this is the show that happens when the company decides to create an entirely AI-generated cooking competition. AI recipes, hosts, contestants, even the title! It’s miserable. Nothing works and the animation is too uncanny for anyone to enjoy. The whole thing goes under.